Shedding the Old, Embracing the New: Reflections on a Pivotal Year
30 days left of my 50th year
As I approach my 51st birthday, just 30 days away, I find myself in a place of deep reflection. This past year, my 50th, has been a time of monumental change and self-discovery. I moved from Utah to Hawaii, leaving behind my adult children, an incredible community, and what felt like a giant security blanket.
The words "Taste of Freedom" are tattooed on my arm, nestled between images representing my Hawaiian experiences and a depiction of the Uintah Mountains with a compass. When I got this tattoo, I thought of it as a declaration of my commitment to making choices that prioritize my peace, happiness, and joy. But as I've learned, the path to true freedom is rarley never a straight line.
January has been a challenging month. The securities I thought I had in moving to Hawaii seem to be crumbling. At the same time, I'm grappling with a profound identity shift. My youngest child became an adult in 2023 and is now 19, marking a new chapter in my life as the mother of four adults. For 31 years, motherhood has been my defining role. Now, at 50, I find myself asking: Who am I beyond this?
It's a question that fills me with both excitement and fear. I feel like my 19-year-old self, stepping into motherhood, now standing at a new threshold, scared and uncertain.
Who am I in the world?
Where do I belong?
How do I create and share?
My passion is compassion. I believe I was born an extremely compassionate, positive, and kind human. But somewhere along the way, I buried that truth to feel safe in this world. I got lost in self-edification and trying to fulfill a role that I thought society expected of me. Now I see that those expectations were all illusions, projections of my own desire to belong.
As I work through these realizations, I'm learning to hold space for all of it—the joy, the gratitude, the frustration, the uncertainty. I wake up each day thankful for where my life is and how I am creating in this world. And I also acknowledge the part of me that feels pulled, torn, and utterly clueless about what I'm doing.
But maybe that's precisely where the magic lies.
In the unknowing.
In the shedding of the old to make way for the new.
As we enter the Year of the Snake, I'm embracing the process of shedding, of releasing what no longer serves me. I'm allowing myself to step into a new space of creation, even if I have no idea what I'm doing.
Because here's what I do know: I am love. I am joy. I am fierce. I am wise.
And I am excited for what's to come, even in the midst of the uncertainty.
This is where I am on January 30th, 30 days away from my 51st birthday.
I'm letting go of the need to have it all figured out and instead, I'm leaning into the adventure of the unknown.
So here I am, in all my messy, beautiful, human glory, declaring to the world: I have no idea what I'm doing... and I'm excited! I'm ready to shed the old stories, the limiting beliefs, the roles that no longer fit. I'm ready to step into a new chapter, to discover who I am beyond what I've always known.
And I invite you to join me.
To embrace the shedding, the releasing, the not knowing. To trust that in the space of uncertainty, new possibilities are waiting to be born.
Let's step into this new year, this new chapter, with open hearts and curious minds. Let's give ourselves permission to be messy, to be human, to be works in progress.
Because in the end, isn't that what life is all about?
Not having all the answers, but being willing to ask the questions.
Not having it all figured out, but being open to the journey.
Not being perfect, but being perfectly our most genuine self.
This week has been feeling like a hormone explosion, ADHD ruling my way, a bat shit crazy 50 year old, and in that, I smile and embrace it all.
I do not drink, but if I did I’d take a shot of tequila right now.
My brother moved to Hawaii in 2001. He tells many stories of people and friends who moved there, including his own ventures. He says that Pelé has a way of initiating newcomers through a deeply intense spiritual transformation process. Most don't last. He said of all his friends who moved there, only one actually stayed, most left within months, all lasted less than a year. He also says that going through that initiation was the greatest spiritual process of his life, and he wouldn't trade it for anything.
Alicia, what a beautifully raw and courageous reflection on transformation! Stepping into new chapters, especially ones where the old identity no longer fits, is both thrilling and daunting. Your honesty about the uncertainty of it all feels so freeing—because we don’t have to have it all figured out to embrace the journey ahead. The shedding of old stories and roles is such a powerful act of self-liberation. I admire your commitment to embracing all of yourself—joy, frustration, uncertainty, and all. Here’s to shedding what no longer serves and making space for the new, messy, beautiful chapters waiting to unfold. Thank you for sharing your heart with such openness!